Coming off meds is no joke. The withdrawal side effects are horrendous. I’ve basically been floating round feeling like I’m high, my eyes do this weird zappy thing when I move my focus too quickly, and my head feels like a balloon that’s been blown up a little too much. And then there’s the nausea, achy joints, and stomach upsets. Add a fat dollop brain-fog depression and you’ve got it. My favourite.
But I am looking forward to having a little break from the meds. See where my head is on its own for a few days, without any medication influences. Getting my drive back for a bit (I hope) will be a relief too. I don’t know when I’m going to start on the new meds, but I’m very aware that it’s gonna be yet another two weeks of side effects for me whilst my body adapts to them again. Yay.
I just came back from the doctors. As always, I thought I was fine until he asked me how I was, and then it was floods of uncontrollable tears again. I felt really sorry for the guy. He’s an extremely good, sensitive doctor, but there I am bawling in his office, asking him things like, ‘Can you do anything else to help me?‘, and ‘will I get better from this, honestly?’, and he’d squirm his way through some long winded non-direct answers, all of which I’ve heard before. Because he knows as much as I do, that medically wise, he’s got nothing more to offer, and that depression wise, there are no guarantees. He’s prescribed me the medication, I’m on yet another ridiculously long waiting list to get some therapy, and I know all there is to know about my condition.
And meanwhile, here I am, having a good old cry while he hands me tissues and looks concerned. He doesn’t rush me of course, but I know he’s got lots more patients to see, so I may as well go home and have a cry there instead. At least that way I’m not wasting anyone’s time except my own.
I feel like I am running out of options, and all I have left to do now is wait this out. How long for? Who can tell. My whole life? Could well be.
And I know, it all about finding a balanced life, minimising stress, doing what you enjoy, and prioritising what’s really important like family, friends, and self-love.
But I feel like I’ve tried all that. And I continue to try. I meditate and do yoga daily. I use essential oils and include herbs in my diet that are meant to alleviate the effects of depression. I limit my caffeine intake. I eat regular, well balanced, homemade, wholesome meals. I practise mindfulness, constantly. I do art and craft. I live in the present. I treat myself kindly. I am so open and honest that I am basically transparent. I reach out to friends and family. I am perfectly in love and loved by Rich. I’ve made peace with all of that teenage strife stuff that’s in the past. I accept. I let go. I get up and I dress myself, every morning, no matter how down I feel. I plan for a future and take active steps towards it (like applying for my masters and making contacts for jobs) even if half the time the depression means I have no drive or even concept of the future as being a real thing for me any more. I’ve had massage therapy. I look after dogs (or they look after me). I’m trying everything.
So this is a cry for help, if anyone out there at all has any other suggestions of things I can try, at all, however tiny, silly, or insignificant they seem to be, however “out there” they are (I have a very open mind), please let me know.
Because I want to continue fighting this battle from all fronts.
I hope you’re all well,